I hate being elsewhere when tragedy strikes back home. I’m hoping the news of the double earthquake in Gaziantep, Turkiye hasn’t escaped you. The devastation in southern Turkiye/northeastern Syria is incomprehensible and the death toll is still climbing. Donate to UNICEF here.

A few months after I first moved to LA in 2021, Gaza was under attack again and I remember feeling dissociated from the people around me who didn’t seem to know/care that it was happening. This weekend’s quakes brought back similar feelings as my feeds were an unsettling mix of outrage about Beyonce being snubbed at the Grammys or outrage about detrimental sanctions on Syria blocking aid, a nation that is already crippled after the last 12 years of war. I’m tired of these two parallel universes and their unequal levels of solidarity and support but I see myself losing touch with the one I care about because of the realm I exist in. I don’t want to care less but I can see the rope splitting into a single strand with every news cycle.

I have wondered if that separation is necessary to really invest in a life elsewhere. Preferring to be with my parents as their building shook, to be subjected to rumblings that trigger memories of August 4th and July 2006 and and and - is that a healthy reaction? And it wasn’t because I wanted to be able to comfort them in a time of extreme panic - because what could I do? - it was that I wanted to be there to feel like I could participate in the experience and the discourse during the aftermath. It’s so twisted but in the privileged safety of suburbia that is so far removed, I wasn’t part of this collective tragedy but, in my mind, I wasn’t separate from it. I was a spectator watching behind the one-way mirror that was my iPhone screen.

These feelings are all linked to why I’m ready to move again. I believe coming to California was the right choice when I left but it was because I knew it would be temporary and it’s not the right choice anymore. And, of course, as is typical, after I got the ball rolling, I was hit with beauty that made me question if I was wrong in thinking that. I presented at LA’s first afikra salon and made instant friends. I spent 3 hours at the Academy Museum lost in the history of Josephine Baker, and then I ate Iraqi dolmas with the new afikra friends. The bare olive tree in my dead garden sprouted green buds. Regulars at the wine shop would address me by name and I’d get choked up. Suddenly, the life that had grown around me became visible because the encounters felt more finite.

I have some friends in audio and publishing who both moved to Dubai recently. When I see their work, I feel a pull back home because I can see things are materializing in the region - things that I want to be part of. Am I seeing what I want to see so a return can feel justified? Justified to who?

As soon as I started the countdown, the excitement and anxiety that comes with anticipation of a next chapter started to accumulate. My internal voice has been tossing fear sprinkles on every intrusive thought. She reminds me that Lebanon is not improving, that the many legs of B for Bacchus still don’t financially support me, and that I just quit my job without finding the next one first. Why don’t you go back to design? Why do you insist on this startup life? Why are you giving up a (mediocre) salary to write for pennies? It dangles stability in front of me like a lemony, salty carrot and then laughs at me for salivating.

Kathleen Kelly, Meg Ryan’s character in Nora Ephron’s warm and wonderful You’ve Got Mail, has a quote that plays in my head constantly, especially after a friend once told me that I don’t take enough risks.

“Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.”

All I know is that I want to go home with Penny in the Spring and we’ll see what’s next from there. I’m embracing flexibility and impermanence in the choices I make ahead. Even if my internal voice needs an answer, I’m trying to accept not having one yet.

Good night, dear void.

A CLARIFICATION: PATREON VS. SUBSTACK

I’ve had a few questions on this so let me explain this better: the Patreon is no longer active. If you were subscribed to the B for Bacchus Patreon, you’re no longer being charged and the subscription has not been transferred to Substack. I do not have access to your payment details to do that and I wouldn’t even if I did since this is a different subscription model that you may no longer be interested in supporting monetarily. BUT IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, you can do so here for $5/month, $50/year, or whatever custom amount you’d like.

5 LITTLE JOYS

1. Pineapple slices with Tajin and lime. Why did no one tell me about this marvelous tangy combo?

2. I’ve watched a few shows this month including Yellowstone (Peacock), Ginny & Georgia (Netflix), and Fleishman is in Trouble (Hulu). Here’s a related tweet.

3. I watched Everything Everywhere All At Once (again) as it’s been reissued in theaters. If you can see it on the big screen, do it. I wondered if seeing it again would make me reconsider the pedestal I’d put it on. When it ended, these older women scoffed and said it was “so silly” as I wiped away tears. I’m happy to report that it still made me feel so much.

4. Apartamento Magazine has a book on La Fabrica, a gorgeous structure by Ricardo Bofill. It’s dreamy and apocalyptically beautiful.

5. Lebanon’s (English) newspaper, L’Orient Today, has been cranking out some excellent pieces that go beyond politics and other pains in the ass. Here, Sally Abou AlJoud captures the beauty of the West Bekaa’s Ammiq reserve.

COMING UP NEXT

Today, I’m headed to London for a little under 10 days. If you’ve got recommendations of things to do or wine spots to check out there, please share them below and if you’re in town and want to hang out, let’s try to make it happen!

For February, I’ll be looking at the wine industry’s continuous failure to attract more millennial & gen Z consumers and where Lebanese wine fits into all that. And because I quit my job at the wine shop last weekend and this will be my last month there, I’ll wrap it up with (at least) 3 major wins from my time working there.